The Perfect Man

"Men: you can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em." Quite true. Guys are awesome, and that's why we love them so. But, they also have their faults (as do we women, but I have no intent to complain about my own wonderful self), which is why I have decided to design the perfect man. The following are some improvements that should be added to Male 2.0.

The perfect man...

...won't make fun of you for making a big deal over breaking a nail. You spend WEEKS working on growing your nails so they reach perfection. You trim them so that they are the proper length, and shape them so they remain equal and in perfect form, you smooth them and buff them so that they remain glossy and beautiful, and then what happens? You're chopping up carrots one day and you lop off one of your beloved fingernails. All those weeks of hard work, gone, completely out of the window! And all because of a carrot! A CARROT. And while you're standing there whimpering because you have to start all over again, the perfect man would say, "oh, I'm sorry babe, that sucks," instead of standing there, braying in his ass-like way, as if it were funny.

...won't leave his clothes all over the floor. The perfect man will walk his dirty laundry the extra three feet to the actual laundry basket, as opposed to leaving it in on the floor and making you have to choose between having to face the reply of, "well, if it bothers you so much, why don't you do it yourself?" or actually being his mother and doing it yourself.

...won't randomly spit all over the place like some dribbling camel. OH GOD, WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?

...won't twist the peanut butter jar lid on so tight that your hands turn pale trying to open it. All I wanted was a peanut butter sandwich. Not carpal tunnel.

...won't have fart contests. Like, really? What are you, five? (And PS, you're a whole lot less sexy when you smell like rotten eggs. Just thought you should know.)

...won't drink straight out of the orange juice bottle, but will pour it in a glass before he takes a sip. The perfect man is a gentleman. No savages allowed in my kitchen, sorry bro.

...won't complain about going shopping with you. You are spending time with me, AND you are getting new stuff. One would assume that it would be a win-win situation, but no. Apparently, he could be home playing video games or something. And no, I didn't bring you along just to carry my bags. BUT, since you mentioned it... here. Hold this.

...won't play video games all day and pretend like you don't exist, even though you are two feet away from him, watching him scream at the TV. There are more things to life than video games, babe. More fun and interesting things. Like, watching paint dry. Or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the eye with a spork.

...won't ask you to make him a sandwich while not playing video games. God gave you hands, make your own dumb sandwich.

and, last but definitely not least,

...will put the toilet seat down. "Why don't you just put it down when you use it?" the deranged opposite sex whines frustratedly. Well, I kind of HAVE TO, now don't I? Because you won't! It's not so hard. Here are some easy directions:
1) stand in front of toilet, facing seat.
2) place hand out in front of you.
3) grasp raised seat.
4) lower seat 90 degrees.
5) walk away, feeling satisfied about the good deed you have done. It's not so hard, is it!

Sorry =(

I'm not blogging tonight... or for a while, most likely. Tonight I am not blogging simply because I ran out of time. But, I have been lacking motivation for a while. Blogging has felt more like a chore, and it shouldn't. It used to be fun, but now all I really look forward to are the comments. I need to take some time off for a little while and refresh my creativity because honestly, I've been writing crap lately. I don't want to do that... I want it to be interesting in a good way. So, I shall be taking a little blogging vacation for a while. I shall be back eventually, and with some better stuff, but for now, a short goodbye.

I'm sorry. =(

Be back soon!

Anna

Am I Masculine? Hmm...

Quizzes are stupid. Seriously. I mean, have you ever been on Facebook or something and they have advertise a personality quiz, and you take it? Probably not, seeing as the only people who read this are fairly intelligent and aren't bothered by that crap. Or, I wouldn't assume so, anyway (*Wondering*). They are really, really stupid, and honestly, I don't understand why people ever do them. Mind you, I am a total hypocrite for saying this because I tend to do them from time to time. They never tell you anything, but for some strange reason, I have a slight addiction to them. I don't get why though! Here is some advice for you: Do NOT sit on the computer all day doing quizzes! It will rot your brain! Seriously. You can feel your brain melting. Lucky for me, it has never gotten so bad that my brain came pouring out my ears, but I have paper towels on hand just in case. And earplugs... *Wink wink* =)

Another thing about the quizzes is that they never have good choices. My choice is always somewhere between one or the other. My answer is NEVER on the list of choices. I shall show you. Let's take a quiz, shall we? I'm going to take the "Are you more feminine or masculine?" from http://www.funquizcards.com/ . Just watch.

Question 1) Your computer conks off. What do you do?: a) Call the computer support guys. b) Try to fix the problem yourself.

My answer is neither because it is in between both! When I have a computer problem I call my computer support guy - my best friend, who is a super genius when it comes to computer stuff (and everything really!). He gives me advice on what to do, and I do it. Do you see my dilemma? I have to choose one answer or the other. *Clicking choice "a"*

Question 2) You love: a) Romantic movies. b) Action movies.

My answer is once again neither. Just by themselves, I dislike both. Romances have to have comedy in them... I love romantic comedies. But just by themselves? Bleh. And action films... don't even get me started. Have you ever seen a Jackie Chan film? WAY lame. They stuff he does isn't even real! And when you've finished, you feel like your eyes have been raped... I mean seriously. Two and a half hours (cos action films are never short) of watching some guy beat the crap of another guy to save a girl who he doesn't even care about and rescue a diamond that he's just going to sell on the black market.... kill me. *Clicking choice "a," cos it's closest*

Question 3) With a group of friends, you love to: a) Sit and chat. b) Play games.

First of all, I don't have "groups of friends." They are a mixture of my sisters friends, my acquaintances, and my frienemies (this word here meaning people who I pretend to like all the while secretly despising them). Secondly, when I am around them, we tend tend to do both. Same with being with my best friend... although, when I am with him, I'd rather talk. I'm a gabbermouth. =) *Clicking "a"*

Question 4) You use swear words: a) Rarely. b) Daily.

Okay, I lied. Every once and a while there is a choice that I can choose easily that fits. I am a euphemism person... "crap" and "freaking" being on my "I use every day" list. *Clicking "a"*

Question 5) Do you cry easily? a) Yes. b) No.

Seriously? They totally need to go more in-depth than just that. Define "easy." And why, for that matter too. Emotional pain, or physical pain? And it depends where you are too. Like, for me, if I am in public, I never cry. I have this whole "I'm strong" facade going on. But if I am all by myself (ALL by myself), it doesn't really matter to me. Oh, oh, and does "cry easy" mean "on demand," or "because you are in pain"? Because I can cry easy on demand (TOTALLY works well for when you want something. not that I ever resort to that, but I'm just saying. (Okay, so I sometimes resort to that. But not a lot. (I am so erasing this... Murphy's law says my mom reads this.))). *Lost between what to click* I guess I'm going to go with "b."

Question 6) On TV, you would rather watch: a) Soap operas and talk shows. b) Sports channels.

EEW!! None of the above! Soap operas are over-dramatic and lame and sports channels are just plain boring! Talk shows are so bad, I guess. I don't watch them, but I'd rather watch a talk show than a soap opera or the sports channel. *Clicking "a"*

Question 7) A great Saturday night date for you would be: a) A candle-light dinner followed by slow dancing. b) A wild time at the discotheque.

Out of the two of them, the candle-light dinner, I suppose. I prefer to see my food, though. Just saying. *Clicking "a"* (Thinking about it, I'm really not sure! They both sound fun and awful at the same time.)

Question 8) You would be interesting in which of the following activities?: a) Learning to salsa dance. b) Learning marital arts.

DUDE! Martial arts!! Although I am totally interested in dancing, salsa dances really don't suit my fancy. *Clicking "b"*

Question 9) In a sports car, you first check out: a) the looks and interior. b) the top speed and engine.

Um, actually, fuel efficiency would be the first thing I would look at. There's no way I am going to buy a car that looks good but only gets 8 miles to the gallon. Yeah right. The second thing I would look at though would be the looks and interior, because who honestly cares about the speed? It's not like you're going to be doing 200mph out on the roads. And if you are, I'm not so sure that it's a good idea for you to be buying a car in the first place. *Clicking "a"*

Question 10) Do you mind if your room is dirty with all your stuff lying around? a) Yes. b) No.

I seriously do not see how this is a question of masculinity or not. I have seen MANY females rooms, and they are not, clean, okay? Secondly, I have two answers to that. Yes, it bothers me, but only to a degree. I don't care if my dirty clothes are on the floor, but if a book on the shelf is not put away properly or is leaning to the side too much, I go nuts. it has to be "just right." *Thinking* Actually, I DO care of my clothes are on the floor. I care a LOT....... I just don't do anything about it. (It's only my room that I am this way about... everything other room needs to be clean. Just so you know.) *Clicking "a" cos it's closest*

Question 11) Which novels do you enjoy more? a) Romantic fiction. b) Crime fiction.

Ew, seriously? Have you ever read a romance novel? I have no idea how people can read that. I am DEFINITELY clicking "b." (I guess this is another one that fits perfectly.)

The result? You are more feminine than masculine. Well DUH Sherlock... maybe that's because I AM female. the question is, why did I need to take a quiz to discover this? Obviously I know that I am more feminine than masculine... and yet I took the quiz anyway. The one with ridiculous answers. Why do I even do these things?

Life according to me?: quizzes are stupid. And addicting. So, when you're doing one, do it in private so you don't get caught doing something so completely ridiculous as that.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is DEAD?!?!

I know, it was a shock to me too. I always joke about the Pillsbury Doughboy dying of a yeast infection... I'm never going to joke about things like that again. Look what I just found - isn't it AWFUL?

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

TERRIBLE!! To think that all my joking has caused this! I mean, no one expects this type of thing, do they? Everyone just thinks one little joke won't hurt anything, and then it turns out that... that... *Sob* you KILL someone! I KILLED the Pillsbury Doughboy! I am such a bad person! I mean... *Sniffle* I don't know. This is so unexpected, you know? Especially this way. Joking aside, I always thought that he would have been tickled to death, the way people kept on poking his belly and all that. *Pause* CAN you die of being tickled? This... this can be really bad. Like, really, really bad, Because there's this Phantom Toe Tickler out there, and from time to time he comes and tickles me, and.... Oh my goodness! The Phantom Belly Tickler as well! This is VERY bad! What am I to do?

I am sorry for the immediate ending of this blog, I know I haven't said much, but I have to go make emergency plans. this could end in tears if something isn't done about it!

For now - Annagram

P.S. Take notice that the Jolly Green Giant didn't show up to the funeral. How DARE he not show up! He can't be jolly forever, you know. Why though... why? A respected and important figure in society dies, and he doesn't even show up to the funeral? *Shaking head* I have lost total respect for him now........

How To Save America From Terrorist Attacks

The most annoying thing about watching the news is seeing all these terrorist threats and people going on and on about how "Why is this happening to us?" and all that yadda yadda yadda. It's kind of obvious, isn't it. No? Let's look closer. If you look at a timeline, you will see that before the mid '70s, there really weren't that many terrorist attacks. There had been a few, but that's when things really started to pick up speed. Now, let us think... what happened in the '70s that was so crucial? What did we do wrong? It really IS obvious. The reason why we were attacked was because they couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take what, you ask? Television. American television. Mainly children's shows. Why the '70s? Because it was the beginning of Sesame Street and the Electric Company. That was what started it all. After that, children's television shows went downhill, and fast. And while they were going downhill, the terrorist attack rate was going up. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Let's look at a timeline:

1975: FALN sets off bomb in New York City, killing 4 and injuring over 50 people. Sesame Street has been around for 6 years, the Electric Company has been around for 4. Gunsmoke is taken off the air.

1979: 66 hostages are taken at the U.S. Embassy in Iran. Around the same time a poll was released that 44% of Americans were unhappy with what they were seeing on television. (SEE? Already it began!)

1983: 2 bombings in Beirut, 1 in Kuwait. M*A*S*H airs its last episode. Disney starts its own channel (watch how it goes majorly downhill from here).

1985: Rome and Vienna airports are bombed, a Spanish restaurant is bombed, an airplane is hijacked. The Wuzzles make their debut on television.

Do you see what I'm getting at? That's just the early stuff! Let's fast forward some.

2001: The 9/11 bombings/crashes in NYC, Arlington, and Shanksville, PA. The Wiggles goes on air, along with The Legend of Tarzan and The Proud Family. Dora the Explorer has been on TV for a whole year, and Barney & Friends has been on air for 9.

2002: Al-Qaeda bombs Karachi. Lizzie McGuire goes on television.

Shall we keep going? Fast forwarding...

2008: 2 suicide bombings in Iraq; the Taliban attacks a US base and kills 9 US soldiers and 15 NATO troops; car bombs go off in Afghanistan, killing several US soldiers; Mumbai is attacked, killing hundreds....... one of the worst years ever. Hannah Montana had been on TV for two years, and The Suite Life On Deck aired.

DO YOU SEE? They call it political, but it's not really, now is it? BEFORE all these ridiculous television shows did they attack? No. No, they did not. America was safe back in the day of Captain Kangaroo and Andy Griffith. Were the terrorists offended by Batman? No... he was harmless! Are they offended by Hannah Montana? You bet your butt they are.

Now, I am not here to make a mockery of any of the terrorist attacks or anything, please do not misread me. It's not something to joke about, and I realize that. I am merely saying... if you want to know the most obvious reason that this is happening to us, there it is. And the sad thing is that no one ever realizes it. Then again, no one ever notices the most obvious. So, Life According To Me is this: If we want to save America (and the world, really!), we need to ditch the stupid children's programs and put on something wholesome again. Something that the whole world approves of. This, I think will be an improvement to global society.

What do you think? Leave a comment!

When All Else Fails, Be Random

So, I finally remembered that it was a Tuesday on a Tuesday. Lately, I have been forgetting to blog, but this time - THIS time! - I remembered. But, I have a little problem. I have no idea what to blog about. Sure, I could talk about Christmas, but first of all, it's over, and second of all, no one wants to hear someone go on about what they got. At least, not on a blog. Especially if they are a Beatles fan, and they got Abbey Road for Christmas (LIKE ME). Because they could go on and on about it for hours. Well, okay, not hours. Anyone who talks about a single album for hours on end either works in an advertising company, or they have a serious personality disorder.Who talks about music for hours on end? Oh. Me. I could also blog about New Years, but honestly? Boring. Although, I could talk about what I am doing for New Years (I am wrapping an exercise ball with tin foil, taping Christmas tree lights to it, and dropping it out of my bedroom window via a fishing pole (if I can ever fight my way far enough into the garage to find it), so that it's just like the ball drop in Times Square), but there's really not much to say about that. New Years is pretty boring in my opinion. People drink, sing annoying songs, throw confetti at each other (and PS, it takes like, 7 weeks to get glitter completely out of your hair), and make resolutions, aka "Promises I'm making because 1) it sounds good and 2) I swear to God I'll follow through with them this time, but in all reality, I'm not going to make it past February 15th." What's the point?

So, after much thinking, I decided that I'm not going to blog about anything. I've decided to resort to making lists again. Except about nothing in particular. I am breaking my main rule this time, which is to not talk about anything severely personal. Cos you know what? It doesn't even matter, does it? The only people who read this (three, that I can count) all know me. Soooo... it's not like I'm going to bore you all to death, am I? Or maybe I am. Too bad! X-out now if you don't want to hear anymore! Cos here we go.... I am going to list 25 completely random things about me. Ready? Go. (Oh, and by the way, I chose the picture for the blog simply because it's random. Or, it's random that I posted it anyway. Yeah.)

25 Random things about me:

1) My favorite injury that I got was one that I received from tap dancing on the top of a large Rubbermaid under-the-bed storage box when I was about 8-years old or so. I have a one-and-a-half inch scar on my thigh in the shape on an N from it. It's cool, cos my middle name starts with an N.

2) The first time I ever volunteered at a soup kitchen and homeless shelter, I was scared to death, thanks to the stories my Dad would tell me about how desperate homeless people are. (It was far from scary, just so you know).

3) I'm Baptist, my best friend is an Atheist, and we have never once gotten into an argument about religion. Which for anyone else would be amazing, but it's not really amazing to me. We both respect each other highly.

4) I was in a trivia club when I was younger, and I made it to the regional championships and wasn't allowed to finish because I got all the answers right, and they accused me of cheating (Which I wasn't).

5) I hate the color orange more than anything in the world.

6) When I get really mad, my eyes water.

7) I hate Coca-cola, but I have like, a trillion little glasses and coasters and such that have their logo on it, because it's so classy, and I completely adore it.

8) I'm a Grade-A student in everything except for Math, of which I get normally rank about a score of 70 in.

9) I hate Math. Science too. The only thing I ever liked in Science was chemistry, because I got to make things blow up.

10) I like to pour glue on my skin, let it dry, and then pull it off. I have cheap thrills.

11) I would HONESTLY rather have my fingernails ripped off of my hands than go skydiving. If I'm caught in a plane that's going down, and I have to parachute out, you can bet that I'm going down with the plane.

12) My first two words were "Bank" and "Money." Strangely, I don't like being near money.

13) I like being creative. Not as in "Arts and Crafts," but thinking of things that other people wouldn't normally think of, and coming at things from a different point-of-view.

14) I adore lateral thinking puzzles. I am amazingly good at them. And yet, critical thinking puzzles boggle my mind. I just do not get them at all.

15) I am obsessed with smelling good. The smell of "just plain" skin smells funny to me. I like perfume and scented soap and stuff like that. I also burn candles all the time because I like the house to smell delicious too.

16) I am also obsessed with people's voices. Like, really obsessed. Have you ever closed your eyes and listened to someone talk? It is so beautiful. And as far as physical features go, I could care less what someone looks like. As long as you've got a good voice. I love voices.

17) I am a radio DJ, flipping channels several times to find a good song. I don't tolerate bad music well. My family doesn't tolerate my channel flipping well either. So, when a bad song comes on and they make me leave it on, I sing along to the music in the most annoying voice possible until they make me stop.

18) Dancing/singing fruit makes me laugh. Seriously - the Fruit of the Loom commercials? Cracks me up every time.

19) I hate ice cream, but I think frozen yogurt is the best thing ever.

20) I live by the girl scouts rule: Always be prepared.

21) I am a MAJOR picky eater, and yet, I like trying new things. The idea of a lot of foods (Black Pudding for instance!!) make my stomach lurch, and yet, I'd probably try it, given the chance.

22) Green is my favorite color because it is the color of life.

23) I think baby animals are the cutest things in the world. Bunnies, baby monkeys, baby penguins (Biscuit!).... you name it. I say "Aww!" every single time I see a picture of one.

24) When I was little, I used to put on one of my Dad's ties and topcoats, and then rush outside to see him when he got home from work and surprise him by being dressed up just like him. Supposedly, it was cute. I think it's disturbing. I was a 7-year-old crossdresser. *Shudder*

25) I have a harmonica, and I make up little ditties on it all the time. Mind you, I have no idea how to play a harmonica properly, but I like making up my own little tunes. Same with the piano.

There! That's my twenty-five. What's one random thing about YOU? (And David Hasselhoff -- "I can't sing" doesn't count, cos I already know that.)

Merry Christmas!

So, Christmas time is almost upon us. This means several things... Christmas presents, sweet little treats baking in the oven, candles burning, family togetherness, Christmas carolers, annoying people ringing bells for the Salvation Army (of which is a good cause, but sadly, I think the only reason people give the bell ringers money is to shut the stupid noise up), people shouting "Happy Holidays" at you 24/7 because apparently "Merry Christmas" is offensive now (and I'M offended that I can't say it anymore... people who get offended by having someone wish them a Merry Christmas need to suck it up and get a life. I don't get offended when people wish me Happy Hanukkah, and I'm not Jewish... I just smile and say "Thanks," so like, chill out. If you get offended by someone wishing you a good day, then you shouldn't be allowed in social places. What a way to ruin Christmas, I'm telling you).... it ALSO means that once again I get to go on about history. See, I like history. Like, a lot. And one of the things I like learning about is the history of holidays. So, tragically for you, this blog shall be a be a brief history of Christmas. And it's not what you think either.

Long before there was Christmas, there were still huge parties during the month of December, because of Winter Solstice. The sun would go down, and people got all scared that darkness was closing in, so they'd build huge fires and such to try and convince the sun to come back again, and once it did (because it always did...), they'd throw these huge parties to celebrate that the sky was no longer falling (How original, right? It's pre-Chicken Little). There were lots of different Feasts, depending on where you came from. You had Saturnaila, of which the Romans celebrated, and you had the Feast of Aset, which was Egyptian, and you had Yule, which was Norse (that's still celebrated by Wiccans), but the one that put Christmas on the calendar was the Feast of Mithras.

The Feast of Mithras was celebrated by the Romans (but it went back to the Persians, as Mithras was a Persian god), and also went by the name of "Unconquered Sun Day." The god Mithras (the Sun God) was born on December 25th and the Romans celebrated his birth. Sound familiar? The Christians chose to celebrate the birth of Jesus on the 25th for two reasons, 1) they could not be persecuted for worshipping God, because they wouldn't stand out... it was a party day! And 2) a Christan writer back in 320 AD was quoted as saying "We hold this day holy, not like the pagans because of the birth of the sun, but because of him who made it." So, Christmas was celebrated on the 25th for both religious as well as safety reason. Oh, and FYI, no one really knows the day that Jesus was born because unlike some people have tried to prove through astronomy, the whole thing with the wise men.... they weren't there at the manger when Jesus was born. So even astronomers were able to prove when the star was that popped up, they couldn't set an exact date on his birth.

Another thing about Christmas is the Christmas tree. I always get a big kick out of the Christmas tree, because everyone says that it's a main part of Christmas and everything, but it honestly has nothing to do with Christmas at all. The Druids put trees up in their houses in the dead of winter so that there would be something green and living around. Apparently the ancients got depressed because winter making everything dead as well. It wasn't until the 1500s that trees started getting decorated. This started when martin Luther was walking through the forest and saw sun shining through the trees and was amazed by its beauty, and decided to put candles on a tree. The tradition stuck. Don't ask me HOW trees became associated with Christmas, because I honestly have no idea. It must have been something that happened over time.

Saint Nicholas is another thing in history... he was a real guy. He was a Bishop in the Greek church. he was given the nickname of "Nicholas the Wonderworker" because of all the help he gave to poor people, children and widows, such and gifting the children with small gifts, and leaving coins in people's shoes when they left them out for him. His tomb is in Bari, Italy.

*Pause* I seriously have no idea how to close this. I must say, this is one of my more boring blogs, but I can't help myself... I find it so interesting! History is something that everyone should learn... all the time. I mean seriously, how can you hate it? Learning of times of old is EXCITING!!

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas... try not to overdose on eggnog, eat too much fruitcake (EW.) or beat any bell ringers to death. Remember that Christmas is the holiday of Love, and that taking the bell away would totally spoil Christmas for everyone.

Or... almost everyone, anyway.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Annagram