So, let's get it straight, so that no one misunderstands me. I do not dislike Doctors. I like doctors very much. They are people who have devoted huge amounts of time and money to their craft. They are very, very nice and wonderful people who have amazing talents and abilities. I have nothing against doctors unprofessionally. Anyone who reads this and gets the assumption that I DO have something against doctors, I am sorry.
See, I don't have anything against doctors at all. It's the whole THING that bothers me. From start to beginning, it's completely ridiculous. First thing - the whole reason that you are going in the first place - something is wrong with you, right? Let's say that.... your foot hurts, right? You're in constant pain, and Tylenol just isn't cutting it for you. So you decide to go see the doctor. You call the Doctors Office and try to schedule and appointment. Unfortunately for you, they can't get you in to see anybody until the 19th, which is 2 weeks away. So you wait patiently, dealing with the pain day by day.... the 19th comes, and suddenly, you don't have any pain. None what so ever. But, you go to the doctor's anyway, because if you don't, you'll end up paying for the appointment anyway, cos you have to notify them 24 hours ahead of time that you're not going to be showing up.
You drive down to see the doctor - who's office just happens to be at a hospital - how STUPID is that, anyway? A hospital. You go there to get better, right? The problem is, thousands of other people do too. In a hospital, depending on its size, you can have anywhere from hundreds to THOUSANDS of people temporarily LIVING there, all having some type of sickness or ailment. There are hundreds of thousands of bacteria and diseases floating around in there air... you breathe it in the second you walk in the front door of the hospital. Sure, they put hand sanitizer dispensers all around the building, but that doesn't help, not does it. It only kills germs, not bacteria. If the hospital TRULY cared about your well-being, everyone would be parading around wearing gas masks and would be wearing gloves on their hands. Just to make you feel better - hospitals have morgues in them. Yes, morgues. And those dead bodies got to the morgue by traveling in the elevator. The one that you have been in, in fact... several times. *In a sinister-jocular voice* And you press the button to go up or down every single time you enter the lift. Not to mention touching the walls and the handlebar - WHY are there handlebars in elevators? Do people get motion sickness or something? I mean, COME ON. - Yeah.... hospitals are pretty disgusting. Why do we go there to get better? That's one question I want answered.
Anyway.... where was I? Oh yes. You walk into the doctors office and the receptionist has you take a seat. "Take a seat"... ha, that is an art in itself. You must carefully chose a seat in the doctors office, you see... you can't just sit anywhere. Unfortunately, the waiting room is PACKED with people, so you have to chose between sitting next to the man with the red eyes who is currently blowing his nose or the woman whose baby is screaming at approximately 200 decibels and smells like it took a bath in manure. You eventually decide to stand, although you could actually get away with sitting in the bathroom for the next 20 minutes, because the doctor NEVER sees you on time. But that's only if you arrive early... if your arrive late, the doctor is (amazingly) seeing his patients on time.
The Doctor takes you into his office and asks the famous question: "So, what can I do for you today?". Question - Why is HE asking ME this... it should be the other way around, right? Cos, you know, if I knew what he could do for me, I wouldn't really be there, now would I.
You explain to him that you are having pain in your foot. You sit and chit-chat about that for a little while, and then he does something that will help it all - he grabs a tongue depressor and says "Say 'Ahh'". *Pause* So, like, did I miss the memo about the big medical breakthrough where having someone look down your throat can instantly help diagnose your problem? I mean, can they see straight down to your toes? "Lemme just shove those tonsils aside - ah, there we go - the metatarsals!!". Then he checks your ears, cos apparently they have to do with the feet as well. He checks your heartbeat too - why? Is it to see if I'm not dead? I'M ALIVE... LOOK AT MY BLOODY FOOT BEFORE I SHOW YOU WHERE IT HURTS AND WHAT MY PAINED METATARSALS CAN DO!!
After much discussion, he writes you a slip of paper and tells you to take it to the pharmacist. You can't tell WHAT he wrote on it, mind you, because he writes in some ancient, cryptic scribble that only people with enigma machines can tell what it means. But, you don't ask him what he has just prescribed, oh no. And why? Because you secretly fear this man who can't tell the difference between your ear and your foot. Whatever he says, you do. Or... promise to do, anyway. Like we really do what our doctors tell us to do. If we did what they told us, we wouldn't have to see them... never! Which brings me back to my original point - why do we go to the doctors?
I dislike going to the doctors.
One final question before I go - Why do doctors call what they do "practice"? Doesn't that make you nervous!
See, I don't have anything against doctors at all. It's the whole THING that bothers me. From start to beginning, it's completely ridiculous. First thing - the whole reason that you are going in the first place - something is wrong with you, right? Let's say that.... your foot hurts, right? You're in constant pain, and Tylenol just isn't cutting it for you. So you decide to go see the doctor. You call the Doctors Office and try to schedule and appointment. Unfortunately for you, they can't get you in to see anybody until the 19th, which is 2 weeks away. So you wait patiently, dealing with the pain day by day.... the 19th comes, and suddenly, you don't have any pain. None what so ever. But, you go to the doctor's anyway, because if you don't, you'll end up paying for the appointment anyway, cos you have to notify them 24 hours ahead of time that you're not going to be showing up.
You drive down to see the doctor - who's office just happens to be at a hospital - how STUPID is that, anyway? A hospital. You go there to get better, right? The problem is, thousands of other people do too. In a hospital, depending on its size, you can have anywhere from hundreds to THOUSANDS of people temporarily LIVING there, all having some type of sickness or ailment. There are hundreds of thousands of bacteria and diseases floating around in there air... you breathe it in the second you walk in the front door of the hospital. Sure, they put hand sanitizer dispensers all around the building, but that doesn't help, not does it. It only kills germs, not bacteria. If the hospital TRULY cared about your well-being, everyone would be parading around wearing gas masks and would be wearing gloves on their hands. Just to make you feel better - hospitals have morgues in them. Yes, morgues. And those dead bodies got to the morgue by traveling in the elevator. The one that you have been in, in fact... several times. *In a sinister-jocular voice* And you press the button to go up or down every single time you enter the lift. Not to mention touching the walls and the handlebar - WHY are there handlebars in elevators? Do people get motion sickness or something? I mean, COME ON. - Yeah.... hospitals are pretty disgusting. Why do we go there to get better? That's one question I want answered.
Anyway.... where was I? Oh yes. You walk into the doctors office and the receptionist has you take a seat. "Take a seat"... ha, that is an art in itself. You must carefully chose a seat in the doctors office, you see... you can't just sit anywhere. Unfortunately, the waiting room is PACKED with people, so you have to chose between sitting next to the man with the red eyes who is currently blowing his nose or the woman whose baby is screaming at approximately 200 decibels and smells like it took a bath in manure. You eventually decide to stand, although you could actually get away with sitting in the bathroom for the next 20 minutes, because the doctor NEVER sees you on time. But that's only if you arrive early... if your arrive late, the doctor is (amazingly) seeing his patients on time.
The Doctor takes you into his office and asks the famous question: "So, what can I do for you today?". Question - Why is HE asking ME this... it should be the other way around, right? Cos, you know, if I knew what he could do for me, I wouldn't really be there, now would I.
You explain to him that you are having pain in your foot. You sit and chit-chat about that for a little while, and then he does something that will help it all - he grabs a tongue depressor and says "Say 'Ahh'". *Pause* So, like, did I miss the memo about the big medical breakthrough where having someone look down your throat can instantly help diagnose your problem? I mean, can they see straight down to your toes? "Lemme just shove those tonsils aside - ah, there we go - the metatarsals!!". Then he checks your ears, cos apparently they have to do with the feet as well. He checks your heartbeat too - why? Is it to see if I'm not dead? I'M ALIVE... LOOK AT MY BLOODY FOOT BEFORE I SHOW YOU WHERE IT HURTS AND WHAT MY PAINED METATARSALS CAN DO!!
After much discussion, he writes you a slip of paper and tells you to take it to the pharmacist. You can't tell WHAT he wrote on it, mind you, because he writes in some ancient, cryptic scribble that only people with enigma machines can tell what it means. But, you don't ask him what he has just prescribed, oh no. And why? Because you secretly fear this man who can't tell the difference between your ear and your foot. Whatever he says, you do. Or... promise to do, anyway. Like we really do what our doctors tell us to do. If we did what they told us, we wouldn't have to see them... never! Which brings me back to my original point - why do we go to the doctors?
I dislike going to the doctors.
One final question before I go - Why do doctors call what they do "practice"? Doesn't that make you nervous!
Sorry for this being a bit of an odd blog today........ but then again, when is my blog ever NOT odd?
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