Why I Hate Cabbage (and other various things)

Here it is, I'm going to say it. Are you ready? Listening? Okay, good. Here is a secret about me: I am a very very picky eater. Seriously, I am the world's worst ever. You know that whole mental breakdown you get from your 5-year-old in the middle of the fancy restaurant because "THE PEAS AND THE CORN ARE TOUCHING!!!!"? Yeah. Well, imagine that, but with a little bit of maturity behind it (not much, I might add!). I am horribly pathetic. So much that my family cannot seem to remember the long list of things that I don't like. "Surprise! We're having turkey tonight!" *Clearing throat* Surprise, I don't like turkey.

I have realized, over a little bit of time, that I have either a long story or a very specific reason why I don't like certain foods. The reason why I don't like pumpkin is a good one... horribly mortifying. Every time my family tells it, I blush. But you want to know something? I don't have to worry about blushing, cos I'm not going to tell you! I'll give you a clue though... it involved curry and salt. LOTS of salt. Oh yeah, and some crying. Can't forget the crying part, cos that's really significant. But... yeah.

Here are a few examples of what I mean by stories or specific reason why I do not like certain foods:

Tofu. Okay... first of all, let me just say that I am always open to eating new things. I've eaten Alligator, I've eaten a Cricket... always open to stuff. And since I like "healthy stuff" (not that I eat it all the time, mind you), I decided to try Tofu. "Tofu in the raw", meaning it wasn't mixed with anything, like made into a "tofu burger" or mixed into a fruit smoothie. I had grilled tofu. "Grilled Tofu"... doesn't that sound interesting? Like some type of exotic fish. The mind paints all these beautiful pictures of "Grilled tofu", a warm brown colored piece of meat-looking food, with dark brown lines through it from being on the grill, and covered in spice with a small pool of sauce right under the food. Sounds wonderful, right? Lip-smacking delicious. And then you are served said food. And then you realize just how very wrong you were. The so-called "food" was served in the form of pale-brown cubes, somewhat resembling fried C-4 explosives. There was no aroma whatsoever surrounding the dish, all you could sense was a warmth about it. And not an inviting warmth, but the type of warmth that makes one think "Dude, I want my money back man...". I psyched myself into eating it. "Never judge a book by its cover" I was taught, and I try to live by that piece of wisdom, even when it refers to food, and C-4 cubes. To say "I sank my fork into it and prepared myself for the first bite" would be a half-truth, seeing that I could not "sink my fork" into it at all... I had to stab the little thing, once I could, that is... it seemed to dance about the plate as though it was living and was making a run for it because it didn't want to be eaten. I could understand why too - I didn't want to eat it either. But none-the-less I managed impale the thing and take a bite. Let me describe the feeling. Have you ever eaten rubber? Like, you went crazy and thought you were a dog and went around chewing on tires? If you haven't, try to imagine. Except, the tire has no taste. No taste at all. All you taste is the texture. The wonderful texture of a rubber tire. That, my friend, is what grilled tofu tastes like. Or "feels like" I should say... being that there was no taste at all. I for one, do not care for making rubber tires my main course of the meal, so hence, I have banned tofu from my diet.

Sushi. This food I was forced to try, I must admit. The idea of eating a dead animal raw bothers me, and I had vowed never to eat sushi. But alas!, my so-called "friends" talked me into it. And surprisingly, I was not on a high medication of any type. Sushi looks a whole lot better than it sounds (we'll get to that in a minute), in fact, as far as food goes, it's down right adorable, rolled up in little decorative blocks.... it's pretty freaking cute. For food that is. *Clearing throat* Moving on. I was actually looking forward to eating it the first couple of moments before consuming it. But, the excitement left quickly. Have you ever noticed how "Sushi" and "Squishy" kind of look alike, and even sound a bit alike? Well, there is a reason. Perhaps not intended when first named, but it certainly has purpose now. Sushi sounds like "squishy" because Sushi is mush. It instantly turns to mush in your mouth. You bite into it and you instantly feel as though you have sucked a raw egg intermixed with rice. It's terrible. You kind of gag a little, trying to eat it. Every second it's in your mouth equals two seconds you have been thinking "I have GOT to spit this crap out!!", if that makes any sense. Amazingly, I still speak to the people who begged me to eat it. I don't know why though. They're all liars. "Try it Anna, it's good stuff!". Friends don't lie to each other, okay? They just don't.

Hummus. Notice how I am placing all the healthy stuff first? Hummus... I shall try to be brief about it. Hummus is like Cream of Sand soup, concentrated, in a tub. I was told that it tastes best on toast, so I tried it. Let me tell you something. There is nothing worse than hot bread and slightly-cold gritty mush, of which has started to melt due to the heat of the bread. Another one of the "Get this out of my mouth" foods.

Cherries. I think that before I say anything, I might just clarify that I AM speaking of the FOOD here, okay? The food. You know, the stuff that comes off of a tree? *Pause* I am just going to skip this one. I have this funny feeling that I am going to dig my own grave talking about this one.

Ice cream. I like the taste, but I can't stand the texture! You have so much air going into your stomach... it's horrible!

Pumpkin Pie. I hate Pumpkins and I hate pie. Put that together and what have you got? Ick.

Turkey. I simply cannot do turkey. It reminds me of Thanksgiving. Let me tell you something about Thanksgiving, 'kay? Thanksgiving is overrated. Everyone makes a huge deal of it, and it has gone from a nice little family get-together or even a religious thing if you wish, to being a huge holiday. One of which people have started to send cards out for ("Have a happy Turkey Day!" Uh... what? Seriously, why are people telling me to enjoy my dinner? And why today of all days? I DO have dinner 365 days of the year...) and place up decorations. But, it's not just being overrated that kills me, it's the family get-together. I love my family, I really do. But when you place them all under one roof, it gets crazy. Really crazy. You have the pot-smokers and the jailbirds sitting around drinking beer, and all the guys are screaming at the TV cause Football is on and their team is winning (or losing!!), and you have all the ladies in the kitchen cooking and gossiping, and all the little kids are running around trying to kill each other, the teens get to play babysitter, watching the little ones, but do they really? No. It's all so stupid. AND, after all the turkey, you have a month of leftovers to eat, and when it's all gone (finally), Christmas comes, and you can start all over again. This is why I don't like turkey. Because it reminds me of Thanksgiving.

Stilton. My best friend has thrill issues... he eats weird food. He also lives in England, which makes "weird food" even more weird. But every once and a while he surprises me by eating something really good. Like cheese for instance. Cheese is heaven on earth in my opinion. The best edible thing man has created. So when Kev spoke of his liking of Stilton cheese, I decided to check it out. It looked pretty good in the package too, mouth-watering delicious. It was once I started to unwrap it that my mind changed. The stench rising from it was unbearable. It smelt like a mixture of dirty feet and rotting flesh. One of those "knock you off of your feet" smells. I made myself brave though and took a bite........................ have you ever noticed that things taste twice as good as they smell, normally? Well, this tasted twice as worse. I could not even swallow it. I spat it out... nasty, nasty, NASTY. If you ever have Stilton (which I pray that reading this has changed your mind about attempting to try it... and if so, let me know... it's such a nice feeling, saving a life), never drink water right after. It makes it so much worse. It magnifies the disgusting flavor by ten. I must say though, if you are ever looking to be entertained, set up a camera and hit record, and then eat a piece of Stilton. The whole dancing-about-with-a-hysterical-face-and-screaming-while-your-eyes-are-watering thing seems to get a laugh out of people. My family thought it was funny, anyway.

Cabbage. One with a story, although I hope that I can shorten it. Cabbage, I have always thought, is gross. But every once and a while, I get it into my head to bite the bullet and try a nasty food a second time, to see if my tastes have changed. That is how I discovered my hate for cabbage. My mother bought a new book, and in it there was a recipe for "Irish Cabbage Soup". Sounds good, right? I seemed to think so, so I tried it. First you had to boil the cabbage, which took a while. I had a piece, after it was boiled, and I hated it - but I hoped that adding the other things would make it taste better. There were many various spices and vegetables to place into the soup, the main spice being Caraway Seed. Caraway... if you ever cook with that, keep this tip in mind: Less is more. Never put in the amount needed, always take a little out. And if you spill a little bit extra in, do NOT pass it off as "Oh, it will taste better with a little extra spice" as I did. Same with salt. Don't put extra salt in Cabbage soup, along with the extra caraway. Or else you will end up with what I created: The Frankenstein monster of soup, the Jonestown Kool-Aid of "Irish food". It was not edible. It just wasn't. The only person who could eat it was my Dad, who thought that it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted and asked for a second bowl. I have two theories about that... the first is that my father was on strong medication that day or he is deranged, the second being that he forced himself to eat it just to make me feel better. I have no idea which one it was... but either way... I felt guilty that my father was poisoning himself and that it was all my fault. I would say "The End", but I can't really, because it's not the end... if it were the end, it would fade quietly into the night and never be remembered... but my family enjoys telling the story of "Anna's cooking failure" to everyone, so........... yeah. LOL!

As long as this blog entry is, this is just a small glimpse of my pickiness. I shall spare you of reading more, but I thought I'd just share a little with you and inform you of all the horrors of the food world!

Catch ya later!